Monday, March 30, 2009

 

This is the second time in the SAME day that I've logged in to vent my frustrations. ROOARR. Quite a feat to me. argghhhhh rooooaaarr... I'm wide awake, full of energy, but brain has totally refused any kind of thinking. brain, close, throat also close. No entry of food into mouth. Will vomit. Not even chocolate.

ahhh...i wanna play the piano

 

argh... wat am i doing wat am i doing wat am i doing wat am i doing. *pulls lotsa hair*

These days I keep waking up to the question of : What am I doing here? I keep questioning my mere existence in this big big world. What else can i do or contribute other than being a breathing machine and wasting electricity while typing reports, thus contributing even more to the carbon dioxide in the world?

Total sianz-ness..sian sian sian.. i can stare at the wall for hours and not move,not talk, not shit, Woot, total coolz-ness

ahhh ok, post is not making sense, disjointed sentences and lack of flow, just like the ism report i'm doing now grr..

I need a positive change to my life.. zpp says i'll find enlightenment in my grad trip..well hopefully..

ok back to writing

Monday, February 9, 2009

 

Well, this is the time of the day to feel emo. Have been listening to a CD of male singers belting out emo songs. Emo songs make me think more, more seriously.

The Au.stral.ian bu.shfires have been horrendous. My heart wrenches at the images and news reports of this disaster. I'm not going to talk about how global warming might have contributed to this Aussie history's worst case inferno, yada yada. Somehow, it's kind of past that, already.
I just know that it's scary, very scary. People were either burnt to death in their cars while trying to flee, or burnt to death in their homes.

Number 1, I think being burnt to death is one of the worst and most painful way to die. On a somewhat related note, I remembered reading sth about the first execution done by the electric chair. The person to be executed probably took minutes to die, and he probably died of both electrocution AND being burnt. The whole execution room was filled with burnt flesh, and I think it's absolutely sick and horrendous to smell yr own flesh being 'barbequed'. Absolutely revolting.

Number 2, the prospect of being trapped in a TOWN of fire is bone-chilling. Those who tried to flee probably fled too late and were being chased by fire, or were just engulfed by fires that unexpectedly changed directions. I mean, if u're trapped in a fire in say.. a HDB unit, u'd probably can escape out into the corridor if possible, and out into open space in the void deck if needed; but in this part of Au.stra.lia, there is NO way to run. Outside your house is probably the bush which had caught fire. Where to run? So I guess u've to make the decision to flee when the fires are a few km near your house. But there's always the dilemma of protecting your property (ALL that u have) and your life. Many would say, of course your life la! Well, think again. We were never in such a situation thus we could easily say that. It's like I used to think that people who live near volcanoes and floodplains stupid, in fact, way beyond stupid. How could anyone in the right mind want to go back there when they've lost loved ones to the fury of nature, the very nature who reside beside them?

It was only after a long time that I've come to fully grasp the fact of 'nature takes, nature gives too'. Nature gives life, because it provides the fertile soil needed after every eruption or so. When your whole livelihood depends on it, when it's the everything u that own right where u are, u'd want to take a chance with nature. U'd want to stay to safeguard your everything, u'd want keep going back to the place that destroyed you, because u know nature will eventually give back again.

It's kinda sad, but it cant be helped, until some alternative solution can be found. That's why sometimes I feel that I've been living in a cocoon, a safe haven where I'm protected physically and mentally. I fortunate to be born into a family and country where I do not have to make life or death decisions like the above. And I wonder, I wonder if living in a cocoon has restricted my thinking ability, whether it has made me so myopic in thinking, or whether it had made me turn a blind eye to things that should be done. I wonder if one day when I had to turn into a butterfly, would I be able to spread my wings properly? Though I would marvel at what I see in the world, but would I be shocked by the world too?

23 years...As I approached this age, I've been wondering if I've lived it in vain. No major accomplishments, nothing. It's the awkward age when u realised u really ain't a child anymore. A conversation over dinner with wx and ll quite some time ago revealed that some pple ard our age are doing masters/phD overseas. Not that I dont know about this, but it was then that hit me quite hard that these people are way ahead of life than me being still stuck in year 4. That's why sometimes when people found out my alma maters and praised me for being from such good schools, I'll just give a polite but weak smile. What's the point of being in one when u've really done nothing much? It just accentuates me of being a shell, and it does no justice to my schools. Thus, nowadays when I look at celebrities, I wonder if they are the epitome of being successful at a young age. Of course u'd say that they have a short lifespan too, so they have to start young, and that they're just extreme examples cos they are so visible in society. Perhaps, I should say that they are examples of dream-come-true, given that more and more came into the industry because they really wanted to be a star (perhaps the lure of big money played a part too). So it comes back to my question, what's my dream? Do I even have one?

That said, I hope I can find one soon!
And of course, for once, I sincerely pray to let there be rain, a needed long downpour in the bushfire-affected areas of Au.str.alia.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

 

V.ern.et.ta L.op.ez said on 95 that she always cant seem to relax on holiday trips to overseas, cos of things undone, or rather, worrying about things that are POSSIBLY left undone at home. Although i hate to admit this, but it seems like with growing responsibilities, i'm becoming like the above.

Oh no, no good. I don't want to be like the aunties in the stories I've read who call home every 3 hrs of the day asking the husband if the kids had eaten or bathed. Absolutely abhorrent.

Thus, I shall totally relax in the upcoming trip. I shall not think abt work. I shall not think about my ism. Inspiration for my topic will come when it comes. Heck, I shud not even meet my supervisor until after i've come back, although it's already very late, and he might not be in sg, BUT i dun care. It's absolutely memememe time after 5 dec. Thus, no one shud remind me about anything remotely related to work after 5 dec. Yes, it shud be this way.

I actually admire those people who can demarcate work and play so clearly. I've got a JC teacher who will not be contactable after 4pm cos it's her family time. Though it sounds irresponsible, but i admire her courage to do it. In fact, for those who can set the work/play boundary so clearly might be an indication that they are efficient, thus they don't have to stay back to OT into their leisure time (of course, irresponsible pple aside)

But to quote Goh, amongst the flurry of changes brought about by globalization, who can actually do that? Work nowadays is just NEVER-ENDING. Not to mention to have to do stuff on top of yr own, just 'cause u got arrowed by yr nasty boss. urgh.

If I were to become my own boss one day, I shall tell my workers and clients that we keep strictly to our woring hours. No OTs. But then again, if my client offers one million to get sth done by 10pm, I might defect over haha. I'm afterall, money faced. :p

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

 

Oops, seems like my previous post shocked quite a few pple. Thus i shall have this new post to cover up, so that visitors wont have to see the f word at the very top the moment they step onto this cyberspace haha.

Anw, it's the time of the year again! Exam time! But somehow i'm less worried, cos exams are not deadlines, thou u are more or less declared dead if u walk into the exam hall empty-headed.

Geog hons class has been good but it's kinda sad that I wont be seeing them as a whole anymore next sem.. err.. i think i havent talked to quite a lot of pple yet lei...oops

Ok that's all for now... shall ATTEMPT to update more often... when exams are over haha.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

 

I am very very very very tired. And I am sibeh sibeh sibeh sibeh sian of work. Any living being in my immediate 1 cm radius will be crushed under my fury.

Jus finished a grp meeting, we are meetin again tmr at 9am. Which means I've got less than 8 hrs to finish 3 assignments. oh someone just come and shoot me pls. seriously. 4000 words in 8 hrs is like I-M-P-O-S-S-I-B-L-E. Dun give me the bullshit that miracles happen. I stopped believing in them loong ago.

I shud seriously go fuck myself. I'm sleep deprived for 1 whole week, and i still have to smile tmr. great. GREAT. what the hell. I seriously contemplated not handing in my archi essay but the stakes are too high. getting zero for 30% is like failing the module. But then again, I think i'm gonna fail geog a anyway, so wat's failing another one more mod??

HAHAHAH then that way I can just withdraw from honours without regrets!! Totally Cool!

Now I seriously think honours is a mistake from the start. WHY did i get myself into it? I dun even have the capabilities to do such stuff, WHY carry on? Seriously, I find NO reason that I can hang on to. I'll just get killed by expectations anyway. fuck fuck fuck fucking FUCK.


ARGHHH


I guess the only reason I'm still desperately trying to hold on is you. Cos of a promise that I din reject 12 years ago. It's your last, and I'm obliged to do so. But most importantly... I love you(did u know that?).


How I miss you so...... VERY so...

Monday, September 29, 2008

 

it's so true that when one appliance in the house becomes faulty, the others follow suit. First it's my printer, which i can guess the prob but no time to fix it. This has caused me great agony cos I've gotta read things off the screen, which I really hate to do. Secondly, my modem is feeling rather cranky these few days and i fear the worst.

Thirdy, the aircons in my hse is spoilt: they drip water. grrr... bad timing, cos it's just soo damn hot without it, and fan does not help much.

Plus, I've 'kiaped' 2 fingers in a span of 1 week. And they are on my right hand. dominant hand for writing, eating, and typing. One of the fingers is my dominant tying finger somemore, so it now hurts when i type. Ouch...

Silly silly me nowadays..